“The difference between responding and reacting is choice. When you are reacting, they are in control. When you respond, you are. Learn.” – Henry Cloud

Anger, anxiety, frustration, fear, and irritability are just a few of the many emotions we let live within ourselves. They are trapped energy from incidents that happened long ago. These emotions are reactions from our egos to a situation we do not accept. They are unhealthy responses, but we have a choice.

This past week, I was at a friend’s cottage with my prey-driven dog, who escaped when my guard was down. A flood of anger immediately washed over me. I grabbed her leash and brought her back, which only took about 5 minutes, but the feeling lasted about 30 minutes. I caused my suffering when I could have just done the whole thing without that feeling, and the outcome would have been the same.  

There are people within my life to whom I immediately choose to have an adverse reaction. I choose because how I react lives within me and is within my control. I again cause my suffering. The dog situation versus the people is that the dog does not mean to be irritable. In contrast, people who cause irritation often have an ego that needs irritability to thrive. Their definition of normal is an irritable state. When I react irritably, I feed their ego with what it needs and damage myself. Not reacting or instead responding when required creates no adverse physical feelings within me and does not feed their unhealthy need. Not reacting takes a lot of awareness and practice. Telling yourself that you should not be reacting is just a reaction that causes the same suffering as if you had initially reacted.

In the past, I have gone to therapy to understand better why I react as I do. I have learned that there could be many reasons for the trapped energy, which I may never know the root cause of, but that does not negate the healing that can occur. Through reading and practice, I have found an approach that has worked for me. Be aware that you are reacting, don’t penalize yourself, feel the feeling, let it dissipate, and respond from a place of peacefulness if required. This is a work in progress, but it has gleaned positive results. I still sometimes react, but I am aware. I still go into fight, flight, or freeze mode but can mainly reign myself in. I feel a reduction in my self-made suffering and the next day’s regrets.

Retirement will see me continue growing this awareness and my response vs reaction muscle.